What do I do with my regrets?

I finished reading the Midnight Library by Matt Haig last night. It has been the fastest I have finished a book in a long time now. The concept of parallel world/ alternative reality has always intrigued me so it was easy to happily devote my time to find out what happens next on each page of the book.

Since one of the book's central focuses is on human regrets, my mental conversation with myself about my own regrets came to my mind.

I am not a fan of regrets. There have certainly been moments in my life where I have wished I had done things differently but I have come to realize that it is not too late to change the decisions we make and take something out of each experience.

The more difficult an experience, the greater the lessons.

One of my earliest moments of regret was when I was around 6 years old. At that age, I had an inkling of the person I wanted to become. I wanted to be considerate of other people, to not be mean and cruel to others yet it was not a straightforward route to becoming that person.

Growing up in Nepal, where there is a lot of colorism going on (as is, unfortunately, the case in many Asian countries!), I was considered beautiful as a child because of the lighter shade of my skin. It always felt odd to be considered beautiful because of that one thing. It also made me wonder if I had darker skin, would I not be considered beautiful then? This question bothered me a lot. In fact, I think because of those comments, I thought I was not beautiful because none of my other features were ever mentioned! But there was a short moment as a child where I did think I was beautiful.

When I looked in the mirror, I liked the person I was seeing. I was quite slim as a child, which was another thing that was liked in the Asian culture.

Slim, light-colored skin = beautiful

This was mentioned a lot because, in Nepal, people make a lot of comments about your looks. So when I had let it get to my head that I was beautiful, especially due to being slim (the pale skin always felt like a backhanded compliment even as a child), I met someone who was on the other scale of the cultural-comment-on-the-looks game. Although I cannot recall what the shade of her skin was, I do remember her being bigger. While I was praised for my slimness, she was ridiculed by people for being bigger. She was only a few years older than me.

I saw her and me being in the state of childish big-headedness, I made a comment about her being 'so fat.' This was a comment I had heard many others refer to her by, and I echoed the sentiments of others while making it my own too.

Although I cannot remember her reaction to it, I know I felt regret in my actions after those words left my mouth. I did not know then I could say sorry, and apologize for being so hurtful. This comment I made came to be something I regretted and looked back on.

And karma did happen. I gained a lot of weight due to hormonal changes and my increasing love for food. The people who once praised me for my slim figure then continued to make fat-shaming comments, comparing the child me to the teen me.

"You were so pretty and slim when you were younger. What happened?"

"You have gained so much weight!"

"You use to be the prettiest kid around here, and now you have gained so much weight."

"OMG, look at you- you have become so big! What happened?"

As if body changes do not happen. I honestly thought I was obese going by their comments. In retrospect, I was okay, still more on the slimmer side than obese, just not as slim as was the ideal for that age group in Nepal. The years of fat-shaming comments certainly were humbling and yet detrimental. I went from thinking I was beautiful to thinking I was ugly.

It did a number to my self-esteem, which then affected my sense of self-worth.

I felt that my value and worth were determined by how others perceived me. In other words, how I looked to others. I took on this image they had created of me, thinking I was huge, and added more meaning to my self-made equation.

Fat comments made by others = I am huge.

I am huge= I am unattractive, ugly.

I am unattractive = I am unlovable.

The Fifth Agreement by Don Miguel Ruiz talks about how we don't have to swallow the poison others give us, but I had certainly swallowed that poison. I breathed into it; I inhaled it well, then I swallowed that poison and kept it in my body for years to come.

My mind jumped from that fat-shaming comment and went a few steps further, concluding that I was unlovable because I did not fit the beauty standard and was constantly reminded of it by family, relatives, society, and even friends. Of course, I have now done the work, where I have spent a lot of time understanding the self-made conclusions I created to somehow protect myself from other's criticism (by jumping to the worst conclusion and becoming my own self-critic- it is better if I am the first one to criticize me, other's blow would not hurt as much then).

Self-compassion has given me a massive life-changing perspective which I have talked about in my previous blogs and will probably mention again in future blogs.

I can see the patterns and conclusions I deduced from others' criticism. I had certainly swallowed that poison well, letting it affect my self-judgment. I also felt guilty that I partook in making someone else feel the same way that I was feeling. Although I do not know her name or even what she looks like, I have reflected on what she could have felt like.

Did she hate herself because of it? Did she grow up to have low self-worth or saw herself as less than others? She must have been so hurt. It must have been so difficult growing up with people being so mean.

That is something I did regret as I wished I had been kinder to her, or at the very least apologized for the comment I made. And yet, it was a good life lesson to have. It made me understand the role of karma, have empathy for others' suffering, and have the motivation to do better for the future.

I have tried to consciously see the beauty in others, be kinder and tune in to what others are feeling. As not just a life coach, but as a human being, this ability has helped me be a better person.

Although the comment I made as a child was hurtful, the lessons I carried on with me became a gift. It helped me become the person I am today. And I really do like the person I am today, flaws and all. So, I do not regret what has happened. Rather than trying to change what has happened, I choose to focus my energy on doing better for the future.

What if that incident never took place? How would I have been? Would I have been able to empathize with others suffering the same way? I don't know and I can't know for sure.

What if in some alternative reality, I did not feel guilty and continued to make mean, rude comments to others that I had no right making? What kind of person would I then be?

I don't know how the whole butterfly effect works, but I am happy to be where I am. The things that I could regret have let me be the person I am today. And I respect and have a lot of love for this person that I have become. Sure, I wish I could do better sometimes, but it is within mistakes that the greatest lessons of life come to exist.

That is what being a human is about- coming out on the other side of mistakes, which to me is through understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. At this stage of my life, I have also learned that I am beautiful (though that may not be true by everyone's standard of beauty, particularly the media's, and that is okay too). And if I am already beautiful to me, then the opinions of others do not hold as much weight.

I can always choose to not swallow someone else's poison.

In short, to answer my title to this blog, what do I do with my regrets, I try to take the lessons, do better and understand myself better because of them. Most importantly, I agree with Gabriel Berstein's method of choosing again.

So I try to choose again. And when even that does not work, I choose again.

Hurtful comments made by others = not the reality/ giving you the poison

Not swallowing the poison = self-acceptance

How to accept yourself= self-compassion

Questions for Reflection

What are some things you regret?

How do you respond to your regrets?

What are some lessons you have learned (or you could learn) from your regret?

What is your idea of beauty?