"I am going on a 10 days Vipassana retreat!"
I have been doing the mistake of calling this experience a retreat. A retreat implies relaxation, unwinding, chilling, and having a peaceful time. I expected to sleep better than ever before. I expected to have a zen mind and body.
The reality is that it is a lot of hard work. Very mentally challenging. Despite the strong determination I had to get on the course, I felt the urge to give up and quit on Day 1, Day 4, and Day 9. I thought that not talking, being silent, and not even making eye contact with others, would be the most difficult part, but for me, it turned out to be the easiest part. In some ways, it was refreshing to not feel the social etiquette of polite communication. I could just be; focus on what is happening within me rather than diving into someone else's world.
Day 1 was a shock to the system.
We were given specific instruction to only use the Vipassana techniques they teach us there, which for the first three days was very simple. You are instructed to focus on a very small breathing area inside your nose. Nowhere else. Nothing else. To do that for 10+ hours even with breaks, I found it very difficult. Day 1 made me question what in the world I was doing. Since the process of managing to secure a spot, plan my timetable, travel journey, and not feeling 100% physically before the course began, I wanted Day 1 to be more bearable.
By day 3, I finally managed to bypass the initial resistance I experienced and felt more at peace with the process. The feeling soon changed when the actual Vipassana technique was introduced on Day 4.
As described by my leaflet given to me in the meditation center alongside the explanation given by the teachers, Vipassana is an ancient meditation technique practiced by Buddha to observe reality as it is by observing the truth inside. The purpose is to free oneself from mental misery and reach liberation from suffering. It is not something that can be fully obtained in 10 days, but the seeds can be sown in this time period. Our job would then be to water the seeds and enable growth.
This was the first time, I was introduced to the concept of strong determination alongside the Vipassana technique. On day 4, I had to sit still for two hours, with no movements, and feel the sensations across my body. I was trying really hard to sit still, and I felt really frustrated for failing to do so multiple times. My eyes burned with the struggle to remain still and thought of how much easier it would be to just quit. It felt like I was inflicting some form of torture on myself. The more sensations I felt, the more I wanted to move. I was fidgeting really badly while trying to remain still. The teacher explains how difficult it can initially be. When your body begins to feel sensations, many things can show up in the body.
Following the initial two hours of sitting still while practicing the Vipassana technique, we were given 3 one hour time slots in the day to try the best that we can with the practice. We were continuously reminded of the impermanence of all sensations.
Even though we all know to some degree nothing lasts, and everything is temporary, through the 10 days of the Vipassana course, I got to understand this knowledge in a new light.
Everything is impermanent in this world. All the different sensations we feel in our body, free-flowing and difficult ones, are all temporary. They come and they go. Impermanence.
One day after lunch, I was sitting outside on a bench, sipping my tea. I saw a cute bird that sometimes hung around the garden. Its little adorable beak, beautiful brown-yellow colored feathers, and the chirping sound it makes were one of the external things that made me smile.
Then, the bird flew away.
I thought of how even that exact moment would never again be replicated. Even if we had a time machine and could revisit that scene, it would at best, be the same scene but at a different time. This means even with a time machine, the experience won't be the same.
There were many important valuable lessons whose seeds were planted during the course.
The cause of all our misery is attachment. It begins with craving, which turns into obsession and attachment. We desire something and the desire itself is not wrong. The problem is the desire turns into obsession, and we become attached. We cling to our source of desire. On some level, we think we will be fine even without the source of the attachment, but once the attachment is gone or is out of grasp, we feel extreme withdrawal. Not realizing or not accepting that everything is impermanent. Not being able to let it go, we cling.
Attachment is at the root of our suffering. Yet, the seed of this understanding needs further growth in my mind and life. This 10-day course is considered the Kindergarten of the Vipassana teachings after all.
The introspective time period allowed me to learn interesting things about myself, like how I am a planner and enjoy having things prepared beforehand. I always thought I went more with the flow of things than planned things ahead. Yet, in the quietness, I had many thoughts of planning different possibilities for myself. I had expected my mind to distract me more from the thoughts of the past, but my mind distracted me with thoughts of the future.
By Day 9, I felt my inner resistance come on really strong. My ego was resisting, doing all things possible to keep me away from taking steps toward enlightenment. I could feel the internal fight. The ego does anything it can to live.
"This is so hard even though I am really trying."
I felt the urge to just quit, but I only had a day to go. It would be strange to quit on Day 9 when it is a 10-day course.
When we left the meditation hall on Day 10 and were allowed to break the noble silence, I felt like I wanted to cry with relief. Not because I could talk but because it meant I was almost done. I felt like I really needed time to process this experience, but without the long, challenging meditation hours. When I could finally communicate with my roommate, someone I was sharing the room with for the past 10 days, I felt glad to share our common experiences. To have someone understand and share the difficulties.
Yet, soon, I understood why the noble silence was needed. As soon as we open our mouths, it is easy to lie, to be dishonest. We often tell people what we think they want to hear rather than what we really think and feel. Some fellow meditators asked me "did you enjoy that?" or "wasn't that nice?" And my first reaction was "Are you crazy?" Instead, I said, I would not use the words 'nice', 'fun', and 'enjoyment' to sum up the experience.
It is natural and expected thing for this process to have difficult moments. Your mind is left to your own devices for 10 days. A lot of internal things come to the surface. Yet, when we began talking about the experience with each other, many of us concealed the difficulty. During the process, the layers of onions were peeling internally, but when we were speaking to each other, many of us covered the layers, and only showed the outer part. It is up to each of us what we decide to share with others, but it made me understand the importance of noble silence.
There is something pure about raw honesty. There is both joy and pain. Highs and lows. Your mind can take you to both heaven and hell. We like things to be easy, but it takes time for unhelpful habits and thought patterns to break.
I have been processing the experience and it will take me some time to be done processing it. What I do know already is that the world looks different. I know myself a bit better. There is pain, peace, awareness, fewer thoughts, and possibilities inside me. I am seeing myself and the world differently. Not through the eyes of the past, or future, but more as it is.
I am able to see some of the benefits already. It was worth going. It was what I needed to go through and learn.
I am proud of myself for having stuck to all 10 days because my perspective of the experience has changed since having finished it. From Day 9 to the end of Day 10, I could feel the shift in my perspective. When I began interacting with the world, I noticed a difference in myself. Until then, I was not aware of the value of the experience I was receiving.
Despite all the struggles that came to the surface, I do feel more at peace. We are often hiding through many masks, and I was able to uncover some of mine.
The 10 days were only the introduction to Vipassana. I now know why this experience can be so life-changing. I now see why it is so beneficial. Although it is bound to be challenging, it is what is needed for us to heal, become better human beings, let things go, and accept life as it is.
Comments