I had a message from the Universe, showing me the next life lesson I am meant to learn.
I thought I was a relatively humble person, who would feel uncomfortable with someone singing my praises, overhyping me and what I do. Some people have, what I call, overpraised me which I have even expressed my displeasure at. The pedestal people can quickly put you on after seeing your 'kindness,' 'wisdom' and 'good heart,' they can just as quickly push you from it with statements such as 'I didn't expect this from you of all people,' 'I am disappointed,' and 'you should have known better.' Of course, there are genuine people who praise you, but genuine praise is often different from being overpraised. So I have always been wary of people overpraising me. It almost creates an unrealistic standard because we are all human, and being human ultimately means making mistakes and learning from our experiences.
I thought I was humble because I did not brag about anything that I could even 'brag' about. I always found bragging so unnecessary and a tad bit ridiculous. In fact, on the list of qualities I don't like about people, egoism is very high on the list.
So it came as a surprise to learn that I too have let ego rule me. Far too many times. That I have a variation of that quality which I have even labelled as my top pet peeve.
And the answer to some of the how can be found below.
The world we live in is constantly promoting feeding the ego. Go get that promotion and make that money even if it's not what you really want because it will help you get that big house, buy luxury clothes that others will admire and you will look good in society.
Diet to fit into the classy, sexy, pretty clothes that the models, trendsetters, and mannequins are rocking. The underlining message is that you too will be liked more and look great by doing so.
We are encouraged to look the best. Become the most successful in whatever field we are in. Become the most talented. Become the most educated. Stand out from the crowd. Achieve this; achieve that. Have more. Show others how you are different and unique. Prove your worth.
There is a lot of societal expectation we have to try to meet. Being young and rich. In a relationship. Married with kids, and a house. A successful career. A more successful career if you are single to somehow make up for being single. To be really good at something. Have some way of proving your worth in more measurable terms.
We aspire to have all these, but are these desires and wishes even coming from us? Are they even genuinely ours?
And what happens if we fail at this? What if we try the very best that we can, and our efforts don't get the desired outcome that we think we are supposed to have? Where does that leave us?
There is certainly a lot of visible and invisible displeasure from society. From the people around you. Because they too live their lives in the way they are 'supposed' to.
To navigate this, we try to cling to this idea of who we are by identifying with the jobs we take, the careers we choose, the relationships we have, and the education and skills we hone.
"I am a mother."
"I am a wife."
"I am an entrepreneur."
"I am an artist."
"I am a graduate."
What if you are not what you think you are supposed to be? What happens, then?
The ego gets agitated.
When there are no roles and titles to cling to, the ego lashes out, and with it, there comes an opportunity for the inner critic to devour you.
"You are a loser." "You are a failure." "You suck." "You can't do anything." "You can't amount to anything." The words you hear may vary, but the tone will be one of disappointment and loathing, putting you down, diminishing you as a person for not meeting the so-called criteria.
You may be filled with this urgency to prove yourself and prove it fast. When you notice that, see if that is actually your ego talking. The so-called motivation is then coming from the desire to keep the ego alive.
What I love about regular self-compassion practice is that it allows you to navigate past these emotions. To go beyond the feeling, the emotions. To go beyond the hateful words being spoken. To go past the immediate glorification.
It allows you to be mindfully aware. And within this awareness, I realized how I was holding on to the various titles I had created for myself. The loss or danger to these titles meant there was a danger of losing me.
Who am I if not for the various titles and labels I give myself? If these titles are gone or don't exist, what would I be left with?
The real me.
I then have no choice but to confront the real me. Of course, it is a very vulnerable feeling, to find myself amongst the outer shell of titles I have created, but finding me is needed. When you don't find the real you among the titles and situations created by the ego, you lose sight of who you are.
Although on the outside, our society will tell us that people who do not have these various societal titles have somehow "failed" at life, it is actually a blessing. When we have all these titles, most often we end up clinging to them. We end up determining our worth based on them and fear losing them.
When you don't meet all the societal criteria, you don't have much to lose in terms of your identity. Your ego cannot boast internally or externally about all that it has going on for it.
Without the titles, the onion peel does not exist and you can navigate to the core better.
I don't mean to say lose everything you have to connect better within, but not clinging to the titles and labels allows for you to be humble, authentic, and connect better with yourself. It gives you the opportunity to meet the real you.
And if you give the real you a chance to be, you will know that she is radiant.
Perhaps that is why Buddha gave up everything he had and found everything he didn't know he had. If you happen to be in a situation that allows for that to happen, know that it is a blessing in disguise and an opportunity to meet the real you.
Your true self.
Reflective Question
Which of your titles do you identify yourself with?
Which of your desires and wishes are genuinely yours?
Who is the real you?
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