I find it interesting how job applications look for references- one or two work references at that, often one character reference and two professional references. As if hearing good words from a stranger whether in a personal or professional context, would tell them if the person they are considering hiring is worth hiring.
Of course, references can tell something about the work one has done and some characteristics of the individuals. Yet, it can also not do that.
Let's take the example of my former colleague. My former colleague used to make up fake emails to use as references for previous jobs because he simply hated having to ask people for references.
This is just an example of how we can take someone else's words as a definite thing.
In my personal experience of acquiring references, it has been from people I already have good relationships with and would thus put in a good word for me. Usually, when someone agrees to give a reference, it is usually a positive reference.
How about if the people who did not like us were the ones giving a reference for us? What would that be like?
How different would it be if we actually got to know someone and made up our own minds about that person? Of course, I get that in the modern world where there are so many people applying for jobs, it would be difficult for people to spend their time getting to know a candidate or some potential candidates well before hiring. Still, much respect for the companies who manage to do that.
However, the principle of this is true and applicable to our lives.
How many times have we been influenced by the opinions of someone else and viewed that particular person in a different light based on those opinions?
I am a big fan of the positives opinion of others (if you couldn't already guess from my background in Positive Psychology!), so I often view a positive opinion of others as not bad (debatable- I know), but I remain more doubtful of the negative opinions. The negative opinion of someone can bring a negative impact on our lives before we even meet that particular person.
I am not saying the negative opinion holds no value- it certainly can. However, everything someone says is based on their way of looking at the world and often not a fact. Whether that is positive or negative.
Add to that, people can change. And do change.
Sometimes a person's opinion of someone comes from a more objective place and is justifiable. However, more often than not, our opinions of other people are more subjective than objective. Even when someone seems objective and has often been objective, it is difficult to know for sure in which cases they are less objective.
It is more difficult to be objective when much of our emotions are involved.
It is the phenomenon called unconscious bias. We all make meaning based on our subjective, conscious, and unconscious experiences and can not be fully unbiased. We can do our best to be as objective as we can be, but we will stay carry our belief systems and values with us.
So I invite you to make your own opinion about a person.
Listen to your gut. Listen to your heart. Find out for yourself.
And mostly, let's do our best to be mindful of our unconscious bias.
Reflective Questions
Can you recall a time when you made an opinion about someone else based on what you have heard and it turned out to be false?
Can you recall a time period when someone made an opinion about you based on something they heard, only for it to not be true?
How can you take a person as they are without letting the past and judgment of others come in the way?
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