One of the ongoing struggles in my life has been my relationship with food. Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely love food. And I don't just eat the unhealthy kind of food- I don't discriminate (for the most part).
When we are younger, we don't have as much choice as we do when we grow up. I did not know about all the different foods that were available. When I could choose more of what I wanted to eat I was in Hetauda, Nepal where I started to experiment with fun Nepali food. I call it fun because honestly Nepali food is delicious, especially in Hetauda.
Nepal is geographically located between China and India, so much of the food is a mixture of Indian and Chinese and adapted to a Nepali style. (Disclaimer: for those of you who do not love any spice to your food, plus garlic, onion, coriander, Nepali food may not be the one for you.)
Even as I am trying to write about my struggle with food, it is sounding a lot like a love letter about food. There are people who eat to survive, but I know I belong to the category of person who survives to eat. Welcome to the life of a foodie.
I sometimes joke about being scarce for food in my past life so I am making up for it in this life. (Well, who knows?)
And yet I have standards. I would like to confess that because we can gain weight no matter what we eat, I made a policy to myself that I would rather eat something I like eating so it feels more worth it.
It all sounds fine and dandy until I confess further about my not-every-day-but-often-enough-tendency to overeat. There have been times when I ate to the point that I just did not feel good. Even while eating, I was aware of my stomach saying 'I am so full,' and yet my mouth was still salivating for more food.
Although I have had self-compassion for many areas of my life, this is one of the areas I did not even realize I had a need for self-compassion.
The accuser in me said, "What you did was self-detrimental. You should feel bad about it. You should feel ashamed and guilty for being so weak."
The accuser throws the emotions of shame and guilt my way. The more I listen to the voice of my accuser, the more it adds to the story, reminding me of all the ways my life would be better if I did not have this tendency while also reminding me of how I had failed. It is a classic tough-love approach to reprimand me for my bad behavior with the goal of getting me to behave.
Does that sound familiar to you?
The voice of my accuser, as I have come to learn over the last couple of years, is coming from a place of good intentions, but the method to get the desired result has been skewed along the way. Although there are people who are motivated to change by having negative self-talk, I am not one of those people. I get very demotivated to change when there is a lot of negative self-talk. Even in the case of people who do feel motivated to change with the tough love approach, the inner relationship remains strained.
One of the key elements of self-compassion is understanding. What I need was understanding. So I ask myself, what is the reason for me eating a lot, far more than what I need?
I sat with this thought, exploring my reasons. I did my best to be as non-judgmental as possible.
The answers soon flooded in.
When I am eating food, I feel like I am supposed to be eating everything. Perhaps that comes with growing up hearing that I should finish everything on my plate.
I have always been a lover of a variety of food rather than a plate full of one dish. I like having bits and pieces of different food. In the process, I tend to sometimes overeat, binging on a bag of chips while also eating my meal and going in for some desserts.
I am aware of my stomach being full but choose to ignore it. My stomach needs love for me neglecting it so often. I have always stored excess fat in my stomach region, and when I listen to my body, my stomach is the first part shouting 'I am already full!' If I were to be more aware of my stomach, I would notice it filling up before it gets to be full. Choosing to not listen to my stomach even when I know it is full, is doing it a disservice. My stomach is a part of my body and by not listening to this part of my body, I am doing a disservice to myself.
I speak to the part of my body that I have had a difficult relationship with my whole life. "I am sorry my stomach, for ignoring your cries. You are doing a lot for me, to make sure my body functions well and help to keep me alive. I appreciate that, and I am sorry for neglecting you, which seems very unappreciative. I want to do better."
The salivating sensation in my mouth is something that I have conditioned myself to feel in the presence of food, where as an adult, I can make the food I want to appear in front of me. It has been a lifelong habit that was perhaps created in Hetauda but continued throughout all these years with the variety of worldly, delicious foods I have been exposed to.
I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with loving food. Food is delicious and can bring fun, and some excitement to your life. I have bonded with some amazing people over our mutual love of food too. Although we do need a certain amount of food to survive, food has become a social part of our world where we have created a habit of eating for fun, celebrations, connections to eating to fill the void, boredom, stress, and depression.
Too much of anything is bad for you, even if it is something good. If I were to only eat an excessive amount of salad, my body would be malnourished and lacking.
Food becomes a problem when I am consuming it in a way that brings harm to me. When my body doesn't feel good about it. When I don't feel good about it.
As many of us do, I struggle with being consistent with this certain aspect of my life.
So I give myself self-compassion through these words:
I know you really like food.
I know you have a hard time resisting food.
I know how frustrated you get when the progress you made seems lost.
It is okay to struggle from time to time.
It is okay to struggle to be consistent.
Sometimes it is harder to be consistent in some areas of life.
When you are implementing a lot of changes into your life, it is okay if you struggle.
It is okay if you fail at being consistent.
What is of most importance is that you do not give up. That you try. That you keep on going.
Because consistency gives you results. Because good habits are formed with small collective habits. And being human means to struggle, and look for ways to overcome the struggle. You are not alone in your temptations for food. I know you can do it when you keep on trying despite the setbacks.
Reflective Questions
Which area of your body do you struggle to love? Can you spread some time giving love to that part of yourself?
What are some setbacks you have had with implementing new habits?
What is a message of empowerment for you today from your Self-compassionate being?
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