Why Am I Like This?

Do you ever wonder why you sometimes have such a hard time being kind to yourself?

There are times when you find it easier to be kind, and good to yourself. Often, those times tend to be when you feel that you have earned it. Let's say, you got a promotion. You achieved a big goal. It's Christmas, New Year's, or any special occasion. It becomes easier to treat yourself and do something kind. Perhaps as a reward, you buy yourself some delicious food, and tell yourself "Well done."

It makes sense to treat yourself for these "earned," "deserved" and "special" moments.

In contrast, let's say you accidentally forgot to save the 5-page document you were working on. Would you still treat yourself or show an act of kindness? If you are a self-critical individual, you are most likely going to be really hard on yourself for making that mistake. And even if you are not often self-critical, moments like these brings in frustrations, resulting in you blaming yourself. In the best-case scenario, as a self-critical individual, you will maybe give yourself some 'comfort' food, 'comfort' binge-watching, or find an equally unhealthy thing in the name of bringing 'comfort' to yourself.

Because life is not so black and white, there are many grey area situations that need to be considered too. Self-criticism does not only happen when you make a mistake or view yourself to be inadequate in some way. Self-criticism also happens when you take the blame for something that in reality, is not your fault.

Let's say you have finally done your hair and makeup, feel good about your appearance, and are walking somewhere important when out of nowhere, heavy rain starts pouring down.

Your thoughts begin to go on a spiral. "I am so unlucky." "How could this happen to me?" "I have such bad luck!" "Maybe I am being punished for feeling good."

Then your thought pattern shifts to: "Why did I not check the weather forecast 5 minutes before I left (I should not have relied on having checked it out this morning because hello, weather changes fast)?" "Why did I not anticipate this?" "Now I have to look like a soaking rat and it's all my fault!"

Self-criticism is a big self-blame game. Even when it is not your fault, you make it personal. Make it about you. And it then becomes 'your fault.' It is as if the world has personally targeted you to suffer or be punished in some ways.

All the self-blame thought is creating accusations and casting judgment on you. Although it is important to understand your thoughts, break them down and challenge them, it is also important to acknowledge what is actually happening.

What is happening is that there is a part of you who is doing the accusing while a different part of you is the one being accused.

When you channel the spirit of self-compassion, you bring a third being into this mix.

The self-compassionate being sees both the accuser and one being accused. It sees that the accuser has been trying to prevent pain, hardship, and difficulty in the life of the one being accused by being harsh and critical. As twisted as it can get, it is coming from the place of wanting to keep the accuser safe. Not happy or at peace but safe from perceived harm. The person being accused, on the other hand, feels small, unable to fight back strong enough against the accuser, and shoulders the responsibility.

The self-compassionate being sees the overall riding emotions that connect the two parts: the frustration of failing, for letting difficulties get to you, the feeling of inadequacy, disappointment, and chooses to give them both what they need the most: forgiveness.

Forgiveness toward the accuser for having a misplaced self-blame mentality, for having adapted to this way of living to help the self be somehow safe.

Forgiveness toward the one being accused for not gathering enough mental strength to fight back and shouldering the misplaced blame.

Forgiveness for any perceived shortcoming.

It does not matter if it is realistic to take the blame for something outside of your control. If you believe the blame lies there, the most self-compassionate thing you can do can be to forgive yourself for it.

While you continue on your self-compassionate journey, your ability to be more mindfully aware will grow. Your ability to forgive yourself for not having the awareness to see the whole picture can start now.

As much blame as you cast on yourself, forgive yourself as many times. Or even more times.

I invite you to spend time regularly forgiving yourself for not having it all together, for getting it wrong even after knowing the answer, and for falling short of whatever standard you have created for yourself.

It is okay to make mistakes.

It is okay to not have everything figured out.

It is okay.

I give your permission to make mistakes.

Permission to fail.

Permission to get it wrong.

You are allowed to have it wrong. Life is a journey and it's okay if it takes time to reach the next part.

For all your perceived or real failures, and inadequacies, I forgive you.

Reflective Question

What do you need to forgive yourself for?